This week we are at the beach. We weren't orginally supposed to be on this vacation because it's also the week our baby was due, but I'm glad we are here. I thought I would be sad when this time arrived, but anything I do feel is just a shadow of the hurt I felt six months ago.
I still do not know why that baby had to miscarry - nothing's happened that has made me go "ah ha! now I understand" and maybe it never will. I do know, however, that bad things, sad things, and hard things happen to everyone in this life, and when they do it's our choice on how to move forward. In the last six months I feel like I have gained a better understanding on how to be happy.
I had all these ideas in my mind that I wanted for our family that didn't happen - like starting a family sooner than we did. and having a second child before I turned 30, and having a smaller age gap between Sophie and her future sibling, and magically getting pregnant on Mother's Day after the miscarriage... but different does not equal bad and I've learned to stop looking back at what could have been and be happy with what I have now, because now it great!
I've also learned to not hinge all my future happiness on what might take awhile to happen. I hope so much for another baby, and hope that it won't be too far in the future, but as Dumbledor says, "It does no good to dwell on dreams and forget to live". So for now I am enjoying my week at the beach. I am loving spending time with family. I am working closely with my doctor on a plan for baby #3, but not letting it take over my life. I am making an effort to connect with friends and be more active in our ward. I love my job and am looking forward to a new school year that will start in just a month. I love my Heavenly Father and know that he is mindful of me and continues to bless me daily.
I am happy.